World's tallest man saves plastic eating dolphins
BEIJING, China (AP) -- The long arms of the world's tallest man reached in and saved two dolphins by pulling out plastic from their stomachs, state media and an aquarium official said Thursday.
BEIJING, China (AP) -- The long arms of the world's tallest man reached in and saved two dolphins by pulling out plastic from their stomachs, state media and an aquarium official said Thursday.
The dolphins got sick after nibbling on plastic from the edge of their pool at an aquarium in Liaoning province.
Attempts to use surgical instruments to remove the plastic failed because the dolphins' stomachs contracted in response to the instruments, the China Daily newspaper reported.
Veterinarians then decided to ask for help from Bao Xishun, a 7-feet-9 herdsman from Inner Mongolia with 41.7-inch arms, state media said.
Bao, 54, was confirmed last year by the Guinness Book of World Records as the world's tallest living man.
Chen Lujun, the manager of the Royal Jidi Ocean World aquarium, told The Associated Press that the shape of the dolphins' stomachs made it difficult to push an instrument very far in without hurting the animals.
People with shorter arms could not reach the plastic, he said.
"When we failed to get the objects out we sought the help of Bao Xishun from Inner Mongolia and he did it successfully yesterday," Chen said. "The two dolphins are in very good condition now."
Photographs showed the jaws of one of the dolphins being held back by towels so Bao could reach inside the animal without being bitten.
"Some very small plastic pieces are still left in the dolphins' stomachs," Zhu Xiaoling, a local doctor, told Xinhua. "However the dolphins will be able to digest these and are expected to recover soon."
_________
I don't even know where to begin. I've been staring at this story for nearly half an hour trying to figure out how to make this more humorous than it already is. But I'm coming to the conclusion that that is impossible.
First of all, any time the world's tallest man does anything it's going to be kind of funny (World's tallest man rides bicycle; World's tallest man eats comparatively small hamburger; World's tallest man walks down the street with people of normal height). Not to mention that some veterinarian actually thought to summon this freak from some hillside in inner-Mongolia on the off-chance that his freakishly long arms would be able to fit down into the dolphins' stomachs. This all seems quite surreal to me. I can't imagine how this could have possibly gone down. Thus, for my own edification, I present a hastily constructed reenactment of the events:
Vet #1: Oh, shit. Dolphins been eatin' plastic again.
Vet #2: Goddamnit! I though I told you to keep the plastic out of the tank.
Vet #1: Well, shit, ain't gonna do much good to point fingers at this point. What are we gonna do now?
Vet #2: Better call that freak up there in the mountains, see if he can come down here and fish the plastic out with one of those three-and-a-half-foot freak arms of his.
[Twenty minutes later the world's tallest man arrives]
World's Tallest Man: Did you guys call?
See, even though I said I didn't think I could make the story any more humorous, I still tried, and still failed. Nope, it doesn't get any more humorous than "World's tallest man saves plastic eating dolphins." Not even "Tiger Woods plays with own balls, Nike says" can touch this one.
3 comments:
You succeeded in that you brought it to your readers attention. I think the only way it could get funnier is to know more details about the operation. For example, do they have a giant bell they ring to get a hold of this guy, or do they have a special colored smoke such as that in the papal proceedings? Is he a native Mongolian mountaineer or do they just sequester him a way in remote parts of the country so that he'll be out of harms' way. If he were to star in a movie with Danny DeVito, would be anywhere near as compelling as George Murison (My Giant)? And how is he compensated? My only hope is that this will become a TV-series-worthy series of events, like, "World's Tallest Man does this/that..." You know, something new each week.
By the way, the word verification code on here right now is "ukfuti." UKFUTI!
That TV series would not be too far removed from the short-lived show Man vs. Beast. For those of you that had better things to do in 2004, Man vs. Beast featured animals competing against humans, like a giraffe racing a world-class black man (and no one wins that race). In the case of the world's tallest man, though, I imagine the show being based around basic everyday chores. Like, "This week on World's Tallest Man: Bao powerwashes the deck...with disastrous consequences!" Because it doesn't take him reaching his arm into a dolphin's stomach for this to be amusing.
P.S. ukfuti! is now the official Mabel exclamation of choice.
Post a Comment