More like NOmaha!

I love my wife, but I hate Omaha. As a dictionary saleswoman, she travels a lot. And during the past year I have accompanied her on several trips. It's a great deal for me. She works, and I lounge around swank hotels and explore foreign cities.

For example, in New York, I rode the subway for the first time, ate a novelty size piece of pizza, strolled through Central Park, and stood with a bunch of middle-aged idiots outside the Today Show. In Charleston, I toured antebellum homes, fed a two-toed sloth, ate 8 different types of seafood, watched 20 Mexicans load a Panamanian cargo ship, and stayed up until midnight drinking maple syrup with old ladies from Virginia.

These journeys often, and somewhat unfairly, reinforce my oft-voiced belief that, relative to cities of similar size, Kansas City kind of sucks. In actuality, it's probably my restless nature that leads me to idealize foreign places and criticize that with which I'm all too comfortable and familiar. That said, Kansas City is really very boring. But upon returning from Omaha this weekend, I actually feel better about my hometown.

As I've expressed before, I hate winter, and I've found that Kansas City is one of the most depressing places in which to exist during the winter. It's dirty, grey, and generally dank. However, compared to Omaha, mid-winter KC is like Trinidad and/or Tobago. In fact, Omaha Beach on D-day was probably more cheerful than Omaha, Nebraska in the middle of February. Omaha is a charmlesss, endless avenue of hospitals, shopping malls, and Casual Male XL stores (and there certainly is a big and tall market). From what I can tell, the only redeeming features of Omaha are a phenomenal Whole Foods and the aptly named Nebraska Furniture Mart, which is very big, filled with furniture, and no more or less depressing than it should be.

So now, when I wake up in KC on a dark, cold morning and spend 2o minutes scraping the ice off my car, once again entertaining the idea of "accidently" driving my car into the ditch off 71 Highway just before Bannister Rd., I can think of Omaha and remember that there are at least 800,000 people who have it much worse (them and all the world's poor, diseased, and oppressed). Of course, after 20 hours in Omaha, I can't say that I wouldn't rather be the average Darfurian than pretty much anyone living in Omaha. Except Warren Buffet, who could do some real good by giving a billion or two to that dump he calls a home.

With that said, I'd like to know what you think is the most depressing city/place that you've been/lived? To reiterate, mine is Omaha. I hate that place. Also, is there anyone out there who might say, "I hate my wife, but I love Omaha." Actually, that's a pretty good tourism slogan.