I love traditions. Something I got from my dad. In fact, I’m always endeavoring to create new ones, even if I know they won’t stick.
For example, I’ve started a tradition just this evening. It’s simple enough. I watch the State of the Union address, drink a bottle of wine, eat a chipotle burrito, and take periodic breaks to throw snowballs at my dog. It feels right. I think I’ll do it every year.
I should note that this post is going to be a rambling sort of thing. That’s part of the tradition. I don’t trust Nancy Pelosi. Ted Kennedy has an enormous head. Dick Cheney looks angry. I love Chipotle burritos. They are so delicious. In fact, I think that Chipotle might very well be the remedy for the world’s ills. For example, they are so darn delicious--burritos. Also, these scrumptralescent bricks of yumminess are devoured by the entire breadth of society—rich and poor, young and old, white and black, Democrats and Republicans and Liebermans, sportscasters and non-sportscasters.
In fact, just this evening I stood behind a “famous” sportscaster as he ordered three Chipotle burritos. At first I thought I recognized him from work. Then I thought that perhaps I recognized him from television. And then I heard him say, “I would like to order a burrito.” Unmistakably Kevin Harlan. His entire order, beginning with his uninforming introduction of “I would like to order a burrito,” was completely amateurish. Yes, we know you would like to order a burrito. That’s why you’re at Chiptole. Anydoodle, he didn’t even know that “those little brown ones” are called pintos, or that “salza” is actually pronounced “salsa.” He seemed very confused by the whole thing. Laura Bush is an alien with meaty calves.
So, it’s very entertaining watching a professional sportscaster order a burrito. It’s like he doesn’t have an off switch. He's always announcing. I kept expecting Randy Cross to chime in with a salsa recommendation: "Kevin, I just don't see the corn salsa working with that combination." Dick Cheney is now asleep, and Nancy Pelosi keeps licking her gums. It’s very distracting. Actually, I think Nancy Pelosi is chewing sunflower seeds, which to me seems very unprofessional.
Wine and sour cream: a surprising and delicious pairing. The democrats seem especially surly this evening. And now I think Dick Cheney is eating sunflower seeds. Bush seems less idiotic this evening. Wait, never mind. He’s as idiotic as usual. I really wish Nancy Pelosi would stop licking her gums. I just don’t trust her. I think John McCain has a tick. Probably a Vietnam thing. We don’t need that in the White House.
John Kerry is such a douche bag. Condoleeza Rice looks like she is really drunk but trying really hard to not let on. You’re not fooling anyone.
Here it comes. He’s going to do it. Wait, does “that September morning” count as a direct 9/11 reference. I don’t think it does. Oh, well that certainly does. More troops. More troops.
My wonderful wife got me DVR for Christmas, and I must say that it is the only way to watch a State of the Union address.
I’m now changing the channel to South Park and am going to quickly finish this bottle of wine. This tradition sucks.
I should note that this post is going to be a rambling sort of thing. That’s part of the tradition. I don’t trust Nancy Pelosi. Ted Kennedy has an enormous head. Dick Cheney looks angry. I love Chipotle burritos. They are so delicious. In fact, I think that Chipotle might very well be the remedy for the world’s ills. For example, they are so darn delicious--burritos. Also, these scrumptralescent bricks of yumminess are devoured by the entire breadth of society—rich and poor, young and old, white and black, Democrats and Republicans and Liebermans, sportscasters and non-sportscasters.
In fact, just this evening I stood behind a “famous” sportscaster as he ordered three Chipotle burritos. At first I thought I recognized him from work. Then I thought that perhaps I recognized him from television. And then I heard him say, “I would like to order a burrito.” Unmistakably Kevin Harlan. His entire order, beginning with his uninforming introduction of “I would like to order a burrito,” was completely amateurish. Yes, we know you would like to order a burrito. That’s why you’re at Chiptole. Anydoodle, he didn’t even know that “those little brown ones” are called pintos, or that “salza” is actually pronounced “salsa.” He seemed very confused by the whole thing. Laura Bush is an alien with meaty calves.
So, it’s very entertaining watching a professional sportscaster order a burrito. It’s like he doesn’t have an off switch. He's always announcing. I kept expecting Randy Cross to chime in with a salsa recommendation: "Kevin, I just don't see the corn salsa working with that combination." Dick Cheney is now asleep, and Nancy Pelosi keeps licking her gums. It’s very distracting. Actually, I think Nancy Pelosi is chewing sunflower seeds, which to me seems very unprofessional.
Wine and sour cream: a surprising and delicious pairing. The democrats seem especially surly this evening. And now I think Dick Cheney is eating sunflower seeds. Bush seems less idiotic this evening. Wait, never mind. He’s as idiotic as usual. I really wish Nancy Pelosi would stop licking her gums. I just don’t trust her. I think John McCain has a tick. Probably a Vietnam thing. We don’t need that in the White House.
John Kerry is such a douche bag. Condoleeza Rice looks like she is really drunk but trying really hard to not let on. You’re not fooling anyone.
Here it comes. He’s going to do it. Wait, does “that September morning” count as a direct 9/11 reference. I don’t think it does. Oh, well that certainly does. More troops. More troops.
My wonderful wife got me DVR for Christmas, and I must say that it is the only way to watch a State of the Union address.
I’m now changing the channel to South Park and am going to quickly finish this bottle of wine. This tradition sucks.
4 comments:
Though the tradition may seem to suck at the end of the bottle, it's just that...you're at the end of the bottle. Next year, DVR the State of the Union with, say three bottles of wine, or a case of only the best Bud. By the time you may begin to think the tradition is not worth another year, pop a new one...a transition into "this is the best tradition" will begin.
Yes, burritos are delicious. Especially with too much sour cream and cheese. Have the burrito. But throw in a few meatballs as well. Joe Bidden can and should lick your meat balls.
And I've said it many a time: the pop of a bottle of wine is the second best sound in the world. Any takers on the the best sound?
The best sound? Hands down, the soulful voice of the enchantress we all know as Bea Arthur. Coincidently, I have an early morning tradition of pounding down a t bone and masturbating as I watch Golden Girls.
I remember being a little guy and really enjoying the sound of farting while sitting in the bottom of a just-drained bath tub. Sort of a clappity-clappity-farp-farp kinda noise. That's my number-one sound.
Trouble is, you can't disagree until you go try it.
My eyes aren't so good: is that Larry King behind the controls at So I Says to Mabel.
Regardless, this must go down as the greatest post in Mabel's history.
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